Don't worry, my husband knows

There's nothing like hearing words your want to hear from the lips of a beautiful woman. You laugh ha ha, but it's true. Heart palpitating, eyelashes fluttering, fingers trembling, all with the nervous energy of meeting someone who will take part in defining your fate. You dress with greater care, you practice to say less stupid things, and most of all, you're prepared for bad news and potential frustration. Anyway, we talked, we laughed, and she answered all of my pressing questions. She was everything I hoped for: confident, outrageously smart, prepared, organized, and most of all, thoughtful and maybe even innovative. Tall, slim, olive skinned, regal, and lovely. Officially, I found my radiology oncology crush.

Day 138

Sunday was dreadful! With Wilbur congested and me nauseous, we were a sad chorus of miserable groaning. Plopped on each our own sofas like beached seals (maybe that's a better description of me than Wilbur who I will liken to ... a walrus ... cuz of his honking haha jp babe), we alternately slept and prayed for hope the day would get better. And it did. No kidding. No two day order in advance. Crispy, juicy duck. AND fried scallion pancake with spicy bean sauce. Ah, the day we found duck in the desert.

It is all goodness

Yesterday marked my last chemotherapy: no more infusion of toxic drugs, no more worrying about my hair loss, no more gross nauseating weekends, no more! Celebration might be a bit premature, since radiation is supposedly worse than chemo. Everything now is about looking ahead. We need a plan for radiation, a plan for me to be well, to find full time work, to find benefits with health insurance, to move on from this. The timeline could be short, with a radiation of roughly 5-6 weeks. That means a new job and possible relocation in two months. Things should be happening pretty quickly from now on.

Re 125-127

Haha, and by supporting the Lymphoma association, that means Wilbur let me shop! With this coupon

Oi

We'd been looking forward to Paribas since pretty much last year. The photo that heads Wilbur's portion of the blog is actually from when we stood in front of last year's tournament bracket. What a chuckle that our tickets happened to target on chemo week. I psyched myself up to stay cool and not wimp out at home ; and I did it (thanks to a practically liquid diet), staying at the courts for six hrs (it helped that we were invited to a suite w/ lunch). So worth it! even if I felt nuked all day Sunday. Not only that, we headed out for dinner with Vince Sunday night, so I thought this sesh went the smoothest yet. But anyway, today, against the way harsh rays of the afternoon sun, Wilbur noticed my right neck is swollen, if ever so slightly. Yes, that's the side that had the larger node, that had the excisional biopsy, that has the scar. Actually, it's been bothering me for about a week (around the time I restarted mat pilates. coincidence? hmm). It doesn't seem to go away, but at least it's not getting worse. No palpable node, and it's not extremely noticeable by photo. Don't really know what's next.

My two fav guys at Paribas Indian Wells

Good weekend, capped by dinner with Bong & Carolina

Day 123 Chemo #7

So! 123, eh that's a pretty big number. Guess it means we've gone quite a long way. It does feel routine now, mechanically scheduled, going through the motions. I can't decide whether thats good or bad. Good that the predictability of it helps give order and sense; bad if only that illness dictates my daily agendas. Listening to NPR today, I chanced upon an interview with the rabbi author of "When bad things happen to good people". (See the transcript here.) If God is omnipotent, why does tragedy mercilessly perpetuate in all people of and of no faith? What is "fair"? The rabbi makes a point to say he believes that tragedies are not sent by God, but He sends the "strength and vision" that we need to overcome, and he sends the comfort and compassion that we need to keep going. An interesting perspective, but I really took it to heart. Sometimes you hear just what you crave at not a moment too soon.
On a tangent, kind people have been telling me that I'm courageous or "amazing", but really, it's so much easier to strong when I have so so so much love and support from everyone, my Wilbur, my family, my friends, and especially my God.
I'm quite done with my rambling for today. As Bong says "how are you still awake?"

Funny money

Just for kicks and giggles, I calculated my medical bills (sure signs of boredom).

Total billed to insurance for diagnosis and prep surgeries: $69,311.
Total after adjusted to contracted rates: $24,069

services may be reimbursed at only 1/3 of billed rate!!!

Total after insurance reimbursement: $16,523

insurance saved me $52,788

Total after discounts and financial aid: $10,335

charity has cut my bill by 40%

Not to worry, the final bills haven't been processed, and I doubt the final cost will be as much as 10k. It's just pretty amazing to see what I racked up in October through November 2009!!

PS Since chemo started, costs have been $8500 for Dec - Feb. My new insurance covers all that yay

Re Days 111-116

Love is ... "built of a foundation of commitment, fortified by scaffolds of trust, and made beautiful by friendship."

Darling, you're my fortress -- you know that. Because of your will and resolve and spirit and all around betterness, I can whistle a happy tune.

Love is ... "the ability to sacrifice your own well-being for the happiness and well-being of another"

And, I love your idealism; you're my half full to my half empty. It's cute. My crisis is how can I preserve these ideals and protect you from being as jaded?

Remember these quotes? It's from our pre-marriage counseling when we had to prioritize the central attibutes of love. Anyway, I don't think we've so far deviated much from our own definitions. Maybe it was the crab cakes or all that abstract art we took in, but Day 116 was tough conversation.

Some of what was said includes

this isn't our life on hold, this is our life

happily ever after is for fairy tales

setting such a high bar leads to frustration when it can't be achieved

the road is winding and sometimes treacherous but we'll do it together

Have a little more patience, love. I do want to preface this by reminding you that maybe I'm more used to life's pratfalls. It's more natural to me to handle weird stuff, and it's definitely ingrained in my character. You were the 小王子, remember? But what you have is the meter that I'm missing. You know what is good and what is right, what to strive for and you only accept the best. You remind me that through all of this, there is hope in the world.