Stress Test

Upon arrival at the radi-onco's office Tuesday morning, I was presented a short stress survey. Pretty straight-forward, on a scale of 1 to 10, check yes or no to various factors like finances, childcare, self image, etc. Nothing like a good 32 factors blaring at you that you could start neurosing over. Considering mama had driven in that morning exclusively to "ask the doctor all of the possible questions" and Wilbur had prepared a laundry list of concerns (agitated by the ir/relevant forums that he spends more time with than with me), maybe there was more stress than I cared to realize. Could be tired, having spent the last Thurs-Sun in class, Mon at work (a bizarre day including devious office politics where there are plots to overthrow the current managers, a patient who demanded to see the "real" optometrist, and endless multifocal contact fits plus one follow up whose records were lost ... from 5 days ago (o Lenscrafter$, never ceases to amaze)).

Firmly, I circled "4" on the stress scale. Granted, I have a rather logarithmic scale, where

• 1 is a catatonic state - "Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it."
• 5 is kind of like playing modern warfare on a venti vanilla doubleshot
• 7 is simultaneous wedding planning, full time work, and getting in a car accident - "There cannot be a stressful crisis next week. My schedule is already full."
• 10 stress is simultaneous laughing, crying, and eating - "when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet."

There was an undercurrent of dread and paranoia while expecting the PET results. What worried me was my right neck still felt swollen and left armpit tender to the touch, so I wondered if possibly the chemo didn't work. My hair was continuing to fall out (which it will, see later post), skin is patchy, and nails are so brittle - otherwise typical signs of stress.

Later on, Wilbur joked that I must have answered "1" on the survey, definitely a disconnect with how I feel and how the person closest to me perceives me. I mean, sure, I can keep my stress under control, there's no need to compound the situation by freaking out. But, as a patient, I find it my responsibility to set the tone for how others act around me. Is this also a reaction to the stress from people around me? Probably, and while this is the most frustrating to others when they worry and assume I'm lackadaisical, part of it is finding that their worry relieves me of my urgency to worry. I'm relegating my worry to others so I have time for more stuff. Like modern warfare.