Day before chemo #6

At the doctor's office today, everything went as usual. I showed him these two odd pigmentations that have been present and growing since second cycle, one under my left thumb nail and the other on the pad of my right forefinger. He says it's "kinda weird". Awesome. Anyway, the plan is to continue neupogen as planned, no concessions to me. The only new info is that we'll do CT c/sc contrast after fourth cycle and PET/CT after radiation. I ask him why; he says although PET is the gold standard, CT can give sufficient progress info at that point mainly because the treatment plan is still continued. When treatment ends, then we'll do PET. It's news to me, but if it means less radioactive tracer, it's good news.

Health Insurance for the Invincible

Insurance -- one of the biggest problems to face us when starting down the road of evaluation and diagnosis. I had this awesome insurance that was $50 a month, $1000 deductible PPO, 3 million lifetime maximum. Sounds incredible, right? It's the shining light that provides you what was out of reach, especially for a broke student or a debt crippled new grad. And you're like hey, I'm healthy, nothing will happen. Of course, stuff happens. When you least expect it. And that's when in movies it goes "Then, something went terrible wrong". The problem was that nothing met the deductible: no doctors visits, no blood tests, no scans, nothing short of major surgery, emergency, in-hospital catastrophes. There's no blockbuster hero here to tear up major bad guy bum. In fact, it got worse before it got better. Not really sure what the initial testing showed, I weighed the cost of paying out of pocket versus springing for upgraded coverage. The mark up for better stuff? About 5 times more than currently paid premium. And the dumbest thing ever is that I trusted my primary care doctor's office when they said my insurance would help with some costs. So naive. (What I should have done is call the insurance company directly.) By the time I realized this was skewering me financially, a better plan was denied because my health status was not "normal". In the end, I got Lucky, being shepherded into Wilbur's group coverage because of the fact that I had preexisting coverage. I just love an ironic ending. Anyway, it makes me AAAAAAAANGRY (with 8 A's) when people mention this type of insurance. Just say no!

p.s. check out who else is aaaaaaaangry. "I went through floor mats, foo!"

Re Days 103-05

Not affected? Not changed? Maybe, but you gotta look a little closer, like those "spot the differences" images in Highlights magazines. On Sunday we visited mega church Harvest then hit a sold out showing of "Shutter Island". It was cool, like Wilbur was my personal bodyguard-slash-bouncer. He can hear a cough from two pews away! Like his bacteria radar perks up and his eyes zoom in to give a death stare to the unwitting perpetrator. His body becomes a shield against wannabe germ invaders. Every little sneeze or sniffle sets him on high alert. Oh Wilbur, it's our day off and you're still working!

MDs, help!

I just got my last injection of neupogen, but it was the most memorable shot ever in the history of ouchness. Taking the dose right out of the fridge, label instructions say to keep it 36F-46F, nurse kristy apologized before jamming it in my tender arm. !!! She said it was due to the cold needle. A study in the Clinical Journal of Pain mentioned testing influenza injections cold vs room temp with no discernable effects and with the intent to study cold needles as a form of analgesia. What?! Is this nurse pulling my tail?

Ed. note: it's cold drug solution, not cold needle that causes nocioceptor disaster

random video of the day

beautifully spoken
http://www.theroot.com/multimedia/meet-faces-america-dr-mehmet-oz
watch the whole series if you're a seeker of your roots

go for the gold

On good days, life is remarkably normal. This day is one of those rarities; I feel better today than I have in about two weeks. It's amazing, liberating. Think about that moment when you know your cold or flu has lifted, and suddenly all of the nothings you take for granted are so charming -- no achyness, no dizziness, no sick feeling. Even my hair has reached a temporary detente with my scalp. It's clinging on for dear life.
Having gone through the last three treatments on a timely schedule, it's a great relief to be halfway to the finish. But also because the biweekly schedule is one that allows for just enough time for the white blood cell count to recover from its nadir, it's tantamount to letting my body reclaim its balance just enough to knock it back down. On these good days, I exercise, eat right, and try to get myself as strong as possible. I know I can power through the next three (incredible that it's so few!) treatments. It makes me consider those cancer survivors who do months and years of chemo and marvel at their perseverence. I don't know if I could handle any more without a tangible goal in sight.
These days, Wilbur and I are constantly speaking in future tense -- when we get out of this desert ... where do you want to live next? what job will you be at? when will we have kids? That definitely gives a firm grip on the next step.
Wishing you Hope, Dreams, and Faith

p.s. lunch menu coming up today - bo luc lac, (the shaking beef recipe from SF's Slanted Door. Oh, how I miss foodie restaurants!) which when wilbur says it, popo thinks he's saying bo good luck
p.p.s. recently i finished "The Boat" by Nam Le, short stories with voices from around the world, but including a story on the boat people. read it, it's haunting.

Can't believe the week is more than halfway over. So much stuff happened so quickly. Saturday was the day after chemo, so pretty chill. Cleaned the house for new year, always my favorite activity (I'm not even being sarcastic). Over time, the chemo is wearing me down, so I don't bounce back quite so well. Feeling tired and blimpy. Sunday, on the otherhand, was amazing. Slept all morning, then woke up to a surprise from my husband. Chocolate, flowers, monkey, and something pink; he really understands I need to feel like a girl again. We headed out to the local greek festival for lunch. It was small-town endearing, with a sea of white hair. Loukomades! Fried balls of dough drizzled with cinnamon, honey, and toasted nuts! Then slept all afternoon. Wilbur was so bored he beat Metal Gear Solid 4. V-Day dinner at Ruth's Chris. We were the only table in our section to get little confetti roses. Ha! Beat that, old people. Actually, watching these sweet old couples get all dressed up on their dates was really cute. Monday drove out to SG. So good to be home and so good to be surrounded by delicious, delicious food. Went to see Dr Lim at Cedars, who I highly recommend to anyone. Wilbur mocks me for being too clean and tells me to roll in the dirt. Return home with a tummy full of boba and (chicken) pho. Tuesday? LOST!!! Did you see all that light/dark/biblical symbolism? While monching on tang yuen (湯圓). Ahh, life is good. Wednesday, had to work, no time to read Lost blog on ew.com. Watched L Vonn and S White win gold. Thursday ... that reminds me, time to read Lost blog.

Oh happy day

Song stuck in my head all day
每條大街小巷 每個人的嘴裡 見面第一句話 就是恭喜恭喜 恭喜恭喜恭喜你呀 恭喜恭喜恭喜你 冬天一到盡頭真是好的消息 溫暖的春風 吹醒了大地 恭喜恭喜恭喜你呀恭喜恭喜恭喜你 恭喜恭喜恭喜你呀 恭喜恭喜恭喜你 皓皓冰雪溶解 眼看梅花吐蕊 慢慢花也活絡 聽到一聲雞啼 恭喜恭喜恭喜你呀 恭喜恭喜恭喜你 經過多少困難 經歷多少磨練多少心兒盼望 春天的消息 恭喜恭喜恭喜你呀恭喜恭喜恭喜你 恭喜恭喜恭喜你呀 恭喜恭喜恭喜你

Valentine's Day with my husband for the first time

Are my glasses on top of my head?

At Dr. Smith's office, the receptionist greeted me with a "There you are! We were just going to call you!" I was surprised, shocked, even. Wha??? Wasn't my appointment at 11:20? Oh, you're on the schedule for 10:20. Silly me. The front desk girl tossed off a breezy "Blame it on chemo brain."

Indeed? How PC. Chemo brain is a woefully named phenomenon many patients experience after cancer treatment, including problems with concentrating, multitasking, memory, and word retrieval. Some 15% have lasting effects even after treatment ends. Bumfart! Shazaam! And other expletives my addled brain comes up with. The most dire comments hint that brain shrinkage can occur. I'm not just killing cancer cells, I'm killing brain cells! I'm not just going bald, I'm going blond! (I keed, I keed)

I ponder deeply ... if whether this is what's feeding my sudden fascination with "The real housewives of orange county" or if this solves my new mysterious propensity of writing shopping lists then misplacing the list then leaving the store without buying what I needed. Bread! How difficult it is to remember 'bread'!!
New evidence of epic brain fail: I took the Census test, where the questions were like "Put these dates in chronological order" or "Count how many houses are on route from Spot A to Spot B." And I missed one. Out of 28. Which I can't even calculate what percentage that is. Now to put this in perspective, Wiggin took her super hard medical school pharmacology test. And missed one. See??

This is the most nonsensical story I've heard about, read and be scared!!

"Another patient, Patrick, a diagnostic radiologist treated for non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma at age 58, had to quit his job when he realized he was making mistakes. “I would lose my place and have to go back and start over with an exam,” he said. “I tried to explain a procedure to a patient and I got very confused.” At the supermarket, Patrick and his wife put groceries in the car, then he drove off without her. He forgot pots on the stove until the smoke detector went off. Upset by the loss of his former self, he contemplated suicide. "
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/04/health/04brod.html

Haha he ditched his wife at the market. And got away with blaming it on chemo brain!! Hmm this could come in handy ...

Help! If it's a matter of inevitability, maybe I could try to smarten myself before I dumben. I need a brain gym, be it Kumon, sudoku, mah jong, Smart Water!

Now, where did I put my glasses? ...

True dat, mama

Reading something the other day that rang true:
Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes and clever in their own sight (Isaiah 5:21).

There isn't a day that goes by that doesn't hold its own lesson. Sometimes I get a little self-absorbed when it comes to treatment and etc, and get wrapped in my own head, mince on words, and brush off good intentions. I suppose that means I'm getting a wee too full of myself, glorifying the status of suffering in silence. In effect, refusing help because I can do it on my own. Sorry, just a matter of habit. I think of all the people who want to help me so badly, and I'm just marginalizing them.
In any case, who am I to assume that I've got it all figured out?

Was lectured by mom about something the other day that rang true:
If nothing else, consider that if I am not trying everything in my power to heal this illness, I may regret. Especially, heal if not for mine then for my husband's sake, because if I continue to be sick for many years, I will be the cause of his hardship and 辛苦.

master chef haiku

filet, potatoes
brother and sister cooking
on superbowl's eve

Beef, it's what's for dinner

(Ed. note: 2nd version, due to unintentional page refresh lacking ctrl+c)

Excuse me, beefatarians, this may pain you: i don't beef. Chateaubriand, double-doubles, kalbi, french onion soup, anything that smacks of bovine, I just don't eat. And I haven't eaten for ... nearly two decades. Until mama stepped in. Mama lovingly cooks beef dishes, ones that Wilbur gives thumbs up to, and expects her daughter/patient to eat every bite. The horror. I chug down each chewy juicy meatiness, rather than let it macerate on my taste buds. But I swallow it like it was my pride. I acted rude, boorish, mercilessly disdainful, and it wasn't even successful! I still have to eat beef. Why? Because the people I love do everything in their power to care for me, I show my appreciation: I suppress the gag reflex and open my palate with a grateful heart.

Re: Day 82-84

Through three years of dating, one year of engagement, 8 months of marriage, I have never known who my husband truly is. I always joke that I understand him 95%, whereas he understands me 59%. Now I discover, my husband is an onion. Or Trident gum. In any case, this boy's got layers!