Dealing with rejection

Day 46
Today, a setback; my body betrayed me. After meeting with the oncologist, I learned that my white blood cell and neutrophil counts are low, depressed by the chemo meds. I had 14 days to boost up my immune system, however on the 13th day the counts plummeted. This makes it impossible to start the next cycle until the counts are replenished to normal. Meanwhile, the doctor ordered daily injections of growth factor to stimulate bone marrow production of white cells.

I’m fightin mad, in part fueled by my oncologist’s poor excuse for a chairside manner, but this is the first time I’ve felt so off base. I think what’s coming to the surface is the part of me that’s cowardly and frightened. I’ve been focused on racing through treatment and this experience, just trying to deny the fears and anxieties and what-if possibilities. Since then, I’ve been brought to wonder … what if I blow through this episode without learning or gaining from it?

So what if my plans don’t always go as intended. Maybe it’s tough accepting obstacles in those well-laid plans. Mostly, it’s a humbling realization of how helpless I truly am. I have faith that I’m not the one designing my path. This is my time to look to God and trust in what is in store for me. What’s right for me is to revisit the situation with a new perspective. How heartening it is to realize that since I’m not doing chemo this week, I’ll be able to enjoy Christmas with the fam, eat yummy food, and stay up til the wee hours.